Sunday, April 4, 2010

Which car shall I firebomb?

...probably the one with the most vomit-inducing bumper sticker.

This time honored turd of a bumper sticker ranks pretty highly....

...yes, the goddess may be dancing but sane folk are watching on & snickering goofily.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Other people's conversations...

Overheard a young intellectual remarking today that the weather appeared to be, "so unseasonable for this time of year"

What the fuck is that?

Weather that refuses to be garnished with salt and pepper?


Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Have you ever stared 'pure hate' in the face?

I have.

Have you ever dared to talk to a cat while it sullies its own litter tray?

I have.

If cats had opposable thumbs and didn't spend hours obsessively trying to cover/disguise their obvious and foul smelling dung, they would be a force to be reckoned with.

Moral : Don't ever fuck with a cat on the shitter.

2 out of the 3 images below feature pussies.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Careful! This may stunt your growth....

Teachers in school warned that smoking causes not only mouth, throat and lung cancer BUT in some cases it also threatened to stunt you growth.


As I sit here now, things become apparent....

Ponies begin to make sense.

Miniature Dogs too.

Celebrating in Style

Australians are an unimaginative lot.
Happy to usurp ideas from all over the globe.
Happy to eat Indian cuisine, raise a few Alpacas, make their own watery, effluent-like Laksa or Pad Thai at home or maybe even attend a local street parade to gawk vacantly while people celebrate Chinese New Year, but when it comes to really celebrating an event with confidence and style, the best that most 'dinkum' Steve and Shirley's can muster is a poxy sparkler or two to outwardly express the sheer joy they are feeling inside.
Half arsed, I say.
We have a lot to learn about communicating our feelings of joy, sadness and relief with others around us.

For years people in the Middle East have adopted the AK-47 as a kind of social or emotional barometer... firing off a few rounds at funerals, weddings, meetings, markets or bus stops is an accepted way of expressing oneself.

Click here for video snippet....

I can see it translating well here in Australia.

(Insert loud cry of 'Allahu Akbar!' at the closing of each statement where ever suitable)

"Garry! Geelong are ahead by four points with under a minute to go..."

"Lorraine! I found the Red Rooster voucher in the back of the kitchen drawer!"

"You 'ear that Tanya? Teacher says Daniel's improvin' in 'is spellin'!"

"Sold! To the man at the rear with the over sized sunglasses and pencil-thin facial hair!"


"Hey Kelly, he's saying I'll get 100 free ringtones if I sign up today!"

"Mum! Mum! A Fendi handbag for 30% off!"

Allahu Akbar!...and let the stray bullets fly!

Sunday, January 17, 2010

How is the air up there?

HMMMM....cold enough for jeans, but not too cold to wear thongs with said jeans?

What is happening to the human race? Are the feet on stupid people really that far from the brain that their ability to determine the temperature at the cuff of their fucking pants is so impaired?

Unless you are tall enough to live between two atmospheres - CUT THIS SHIT OUT!

Don't combo on winter/summer clothing - pants and shoes have evolved to this point over hundreds of years, maybe thousands.

Charles Darwin wrote about this shit, I read he found several types of both long and short trousers on the Galapgos Islands and based (some) of the 'Origin of The Species' on this shit!

Get educated fuckers!

This kind of fashion hybridising is risky shit. True.

Would you mate a cow with an ashtray?

Human/Canine Relations & Ettiquette in Public : Part One

Why do dog walkers/owners look so embarrassed when their pets attempt to shit in public?
Unless you too have your trousers down and are attempting to sully a public footpath - relax!
They are dogs.
This is what makes them unsuitable as full-time employees or as spouses for people.
Don't suddenly turn your attention to what's happening in the treetops above you.
Don't try and hide yourself behind a bush or tree trunk while your still obviously clinging to the lead.
Don't try to pull the dog away by dragging it by its leash mid-dilation.
Just fucking relax.
Let your dog relax too.
A kind of inverse logic applies here - the more you pull, the more determined that dog will become to exit every last pellet from it's southern-most orifice.
Also, the more you pull, the more likely the dog is to break into a kind of super-tense, robot-like swagger where it will lock it's hind legs, take ridiculously small steps and rock from side to side.
Hint : this only draws more attention to the fact that you choose to be seen in public with someone who cares not for refined airs and graces.
Let it go.
You know they have.